Breaking a Monotonous Routine (WIP)

Wow. I got off the phone with my mentor (D) and spent a good chunk of it asking him about how he operates day to day. “D” is a C-Suite executive at a local company and has been helping me to understand his workflow and life on a deeper level. These meetings have helped me to understand myself more and allow me to shift my focus on what I need/want to accomplish in my life.

A common theme this past week has been “Oh shit, I’m in this rat race and I don’t want to be here anymore”. What we discussed today was about the monotonous routine most people (including myself) goes through and how to break the cycle.

When I asked D how he broke it, he replied ‘I didn’t”. He went on to explain that after working at HP from the end of high school to several years following his graduation from college, he was able to land a management role and placed into several projects which prevented the growth of a monotonous mindset. Every day was a ‘new adventure’ as he put it. That’s something I tried to strive for when I first started at my current job, but I didn’t know how to keep it going without a routine to fall back on. Every day of my life has a routine and I’m finding that’s causing my eventual a) burnout and b) general unhappiness. I need to break that routine.

“If life is monotonous, everything goes by so fast and everything is the same. It’s the same as that mindset of ‘Same shit, different day’”.

D., 2.26.2020

My routine is as follows:

-Wake up at 6:30

-Get ready, eat breakfast, leave the house by 7:30

-Start work at 8, lunch at 12pm. Work till 5pm

-Get to the gym at 5:20pm, lift, and leave by 6:15pm

-Dinner at home at 6:45pm

-GMAT studying 7-9pm

-Rainbow Six 9-10:30pm

-Sleep by 11pm

This has been my routine for the past few months, and while it’s comforting to know I have a set routine, it’s also boring as hell. I need something to change up in my workflow and this is what D suggested:

  • Instead of working 100% all the time, work 95% and leave that 5% for a break. Give yourself a break and refuel yourself along the way to make sure you’re still getting work done without burning out for a long period of time.
  • Don’t push off work and get it done as soon as you get it. Easier said than done, coming from  a master procrastinator lol. I can pretend I’m busy working while I’m actually browsing Reddit. I need to get my work done as soon as it’s assigned. I’ll sleep better and improve my reputation. Double whammy.

My conclusion?

Find something that’s productive to do during my breaks. I enjoy analysis, so I do stock analysis when I can. This coronavirus outbreak is really intriguing as it’s causing a huge pullback in the market (DOW down by 1900+ points in 3 days). I’m curious as to how far the market will drop, etc. etc. Lot’s of work to be done. The most important thing, is to find a hobby or activity that will propel me forward yet keep me mentally stimulated. Video games are great, but won’t cut it long term or make a marked improvement in my life. Instead of living with a giant goal in mind, D suggests I live day-to-day with a hyperfocused mindset.

More to come.

J.

confessions (part 1)

Any post titled with the term ‘confessions’ is a continuation of this post. It’s been a downer of a week—one of the worst ones I’ve had in a while. I’ve been toying with the idea of suicide on and off. It’s hard to keep moving forward sometimes. The few things keeping me together are work, constantly writing journal entries, my ‘memory’ Spotify playlist, and the Toast Crew. My friends and girlfriend are supportive and want to help, but I don’t want to burden them with my feelings. After all, it’s my life and they shouldn’t try and help. I’m alone on this journey.

Entry 1:

(This was a drafted message I planned on sending to a good friend of mine. Also reads this blog)

First: I’m okay. I’m not planning on doing anything stupid.

i can’t tell you how many times i’ve wanted to end my life over these past decade. The things that stop me from ending it all is mostly external. I can’t imagine what it would do to my grandma and family. Everyone but my dad would get hit the hardest. My cousin and I share a special bond and that doesn’t come automatically. We’ve spent a lot of time talking and we understand each other deeply. I don’t want to think about how you would feel if I killed myself. Sometimes I think it would be best if I just disappeared and ghosted everyone so y’all would forget about me and stop wondering where I would go/what im doing.

I don’t dare bring it up to C1 (since his dad is close with my dad and is a psychologist) and I don’t think C2 knows–i’ve never explicitly told him. I’ve thought about seeking mental care, but that’s a story i need to tell you in person. My dad found out about how I felt back in 2012 and every now and then when we doing something dangerous, he’ll bring up that memory and try to make sure i’m not having those thoughts. But he does it in a way of mocking like “what are you gonna do—drive straight into the wall? “I can’t hold on any longer….blah blah blah”. It hurts so much when he does that, but it’s something i deal with right now. I loved attending and living at college because it gave me the option of living away from home. My dad would tell me he missed me, but I was happy to be away (most of the time). But when I came home, we’d be good for a few weeks until the mocking came back.

I’m labeled as ‘uncoachable’ by my dad because I refuse to listen. I refuse to listen because when he yells at me, criticizes me, etc., I just want to hear nothing. Every day is a negative journey at home until I can get to my room, turn on my computer, study, play video games, and hang out with my mom and dog. I feel awkward when I’m alone with my dad. I deny him whenever he tells me loves me or is proud of me. I can’t understand why he says these things when his actions seem so backwards. Every time I hear from him, I feel a hole in my chest or a rock in my stomach.

College was easy. Life is hard. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about suicide at least once. Doesn’t have to be anything concrete (lol), just the thought of disappearing so no one would remember me. I don’t want anyone to worry about me so I tell them I’m doing well. That nothing is going wrong, and everything is fine. I’m on track to pass the GMAT and make it into graduate school. That I have wonderful friends and want to get married. When in reality, the fantasy of ending it all creeps into my mind every night before I go to sleep, or every morning when I wake up (or both).

I made a promise to BT that I would never hurt myself. I don’t want to break that promise. Would I be forgotten?

I’m crying at work. I’m in a lot of pain, but it’s something i need to sort out myself.

J.