i feel like i’m losing you.

P1

I just got back from getting a root canal done on my upper left molar. Shortly after finishing, the dentist took an X-Ray of my entire mouth to see if there were any other problems/issues. He found 10 (albeit small) cavities that would need fixing, but nothing of immediate concern. Sitting there in that chair, I could hear my mom yelling at me and scolding me for my cavities, and I could smell the bubble gum laughing gas my old dentist applied on me during a pulling of a baby tooth. Now, I’m back home and feeling strange. The dentist was perfect. He’s a family friend and he did an amazing job along with this assistant. There was a TV above the chair which was playing Harry Potter: The Goblet of Fire, and the whole atmosphere was welcoming. The tooth feels pretty normal, but I know I’ll have to return to get both the crown completed and the other cavities fixed.

P2

When I was talking to my girlfriend over the summer, I visited the dentist to get 4 cavities fixed on my upper and lower left teeth. She knows what happened and she understands that I have teeth issues. But now I’ve got TEN more cavities on top of the root canal I got today. What would she think of me? I don’t have many insecurities, but one of them would be being judged by the people I love. I’m afraid she’ll judge me for having bad oral hygiene and would break up with me over it. I don’t want to lose her–she means so much to me.

Mix

On my drive back from the dentist, my immediate thoughts went to: 1) what would she say to me?, 2) what would she think of me?, and 3) will she see this as a major red flag and dump me?. The whole ride home, I looked at myself from the outside in a third person view. My dad told me I’ve accomplished nothing in my life. My mom thinks all I do is play video games. I’m afraid my girlfriend will share the same viewpoints and leave me. It’s not that I don’t want what’s best for her; I do. I’m just afraid of receiving the pain of her judgement.

I think about K all the time. I wish she and I could be in the same state forever, but that’s not how things are happening right now. My thinking recently has shifted from having serious “love-goggles” to taking a step back and reassessing my life. What does she see in me? Why does she love me?

What if she’s got love-goggles on too and is blind to what’s really in front of her? If she took them off, what would she think of me?

Closing

I love K so much. She’s beautiful, smart, confident, and has a serious motivation to complete big goals. I try to support her as much as I can, but when things like getting cavities come up, I feel worthless. I feel like if I’m unable to handle myself, how could I possibly handle my girlfriend? We’re both individuals in this relationship, but we rely on each other for support (as needed). If I can’t support myself, immense pressure falls on her and someday, she’ll have to cut the dead weight. For the first time in awhile, I feel lost. I don’t know where I’m going.

I’m afraid the girl I love will leave me and find someone better. I haven’t felt this way before. K, I feel like I’m losing you.

NOTE: I get that this sounds like I’m bitching about “muh feelings”, and yeah, I am. I just needed to get this off my chest and it’s much easier putting it on Smiling Rain rather than writing this out in my journal. K, if you’re seeing this, just know that I have no intention of breaking up with you or ending our relationship. I might just be missing you too much compounded with some self-deprecation.

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