Nervous Breakdowns

I had a nervous breakdown yesterday. It was a weird experience where I was conscious through the whole process, but just felt off. I stared at my screen for a solid 5 minutes at work while processing what was running through my head. Thoughts like:

-“You’re not good enough to be working here”

-“You’re a waste of space and a detriment to your family. You suck!”

-“EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT. It’d be better if you disappeared or didn’t exist!”

Talk about an overwhelming experience. Going through these thoughts put me in a constant loop for 5 minutes straight in between processing checks and a minute writing project due at the end of the day. After the breakdown, I sat there for another 10 minutes going through the motions of work before I finally kicked back into my normal gear. Weird. I’ve never had a full on nervous breakdown like this before. Where my heart started beating ultra-fast, thoughts of my past racing through my mind, and where my self-esteem was back in the dirt. I needed an exit and FAST. But I stayed put.

I’ve read that it’s better to face your fears and face your weakness rather than getting into a habit of escaping them. Now that doesn’t apply to everything, but it definitely helped me here, as I made myself face this self-created wall of doubt, fear, and anxiety. It wasn’t until this morning, where I came across two documents I put together in the case I hit rock-bottom again (rock bottom will be discussed in another, JUICY post).

These two documents were the adrenaline “shots” that I took in 2018 following an ugly breakup and one of the deepest holes I put myself into. Crying every day and wallowing in fear of being unable to get over this girl turned into becoming more confident, getting stronger both physically and mentally, and learning everything I could. I read 6+ books on how to develop a stronger mind and how to set my life right (thank you, Tony Robbins). Every now and then though, I fall back into a ditch of self-despair and self-hate.

It just happens.

But it’s important as hell to get back up and keep moving forward. I took a long break from gaming and haven’t really looked back. I’ll play occasionally with my friends, but only with my friends AND if I’m feeling it. Music really makes a difference too. If you’re not already following my Spotify playlist, it’s on the home page!

Basically, I fell into a hard ditch where I was having a nervous breakdown at work. I got through it by re-reading my affirmations (which I haven’t done in MONTHS) and really calming myself down so I could think clearly. I love myself and I love what I’ve done. I need to remember that just because I make a mistake with one part of my life, DOES NOT mean that I’m worthless every where else. Remember: You are loved, and this (whatever the situation) will pass.

Hopefully I’ll be contributing more to my blog. The only way is up!

— J

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